Thoughts From The Right Side of Normal

Most folks that know me....really know me, know that I am little bit on the right side of normal.....Now, that might sound a bit self defeating....but, it really isn't....I know that I am not what society deems as 'normal'....Never have been...

I haven't had a life that warranted a normal persons survival....starting with a childhood that involved an abusive father, a family with heads buried in the sand...A youth following a man who was dark and evil....not by choice, but because I had to sacrifice my innocence for the safety of my family....

A young adulthood spent struggling with the answers to right and wrong...never knowing who I could trust....and abusive marriage...A man whom I loved, whose life was snuffed out by a violence that warranted death in and of itself....

A middle aged life spent looking and hoping that love would finally find the broken, scarred and tattered heart...and thinking that it never would....so, settling for second best...I allowed a man in my life who was, in a nut shell, on the very very left side of normal(hey, any many who invites his 300lb ex wife on vacation with his size 12 girlfriend for a month and think, for just even a minute, that it was OK...is no where normal....in fact, in light of that, maybe I am normal........)After more than 8 years of listening to lies and excuses, it was finally time to cut those losses.....yeah, he still calls....

It was a good friend, with whom, according to some, I have the most functionally dysfunctional relationship with, said to me, in regards to the statement "I have to have lunch with Richard."....."WHY?"  Thanks for that, Barry....because it woke me up....and I appreciate that greatly....SO, Richard, effective that day, was kicked to the curb, no more to be involved in his drama....Btw, he bought his ex-wife a house in Georgia to try and get her out of his house....now, mind you, he gave her a million bucks in the divorce....but, hey, she's not stupid...she has him played just right....she owns a house in Delaware, rents it out to pay the mortgage....and lives, rent free with him....no bills...wow...she has it made.....Guess, if I have wanted to live in a house with 14 cats, and without my space/life....I could have had the same....but, no, he wouldn't even help out his girlfriend who was 'homeless'(By the standards of normality)....,Anyway....

SO, into my life, about 3 or 4 yrs ago, walks a man....Bald Jewish guy, who once belonged to the Moonies....A very devout, non-religious man, who talks with god(whom, I really have no use for, but that's another post....)Not a tall, or a big man....Definitely not my normal "type" of guy....but, one who loves me, I think....but, in the long range scheme of things.....he might be off the normal line as well, a few degrees here or there.....

SO, where am I now....Sitting on a bunk in a hostel in Rome, Italy, with Jackson Browne playing in my head(I tunes, headset)......Wondering where all this has brought me.....


So, is this what my life has come to?  Is the deepest that my life will ever be?  At least until the next life.....yeah, I believe I have lived this life many many times......I think I have been around off/on for many lifetimes(yes, to some, more to the off side of normal, but, religion/afterlife is a person choice, right?).....

Anyway, enough of that post for this morning....I think I need to take my dog and go explore the catacombs of Rome...

Check out:  http://www.karlagoestoitaly.blogspot.com/ for information on that subjet...

Little Child Running, Somewhere Tonight

Little child running

Afraid to look back

Little child hiding

From the pains do the past

One, Two Three Fifty

Ready or not, hear I come

Are you ready ?

Run, little girl, run

Run from the pain

Run form the heartache

Run form the shame

Run before you break

Fragile Pieces

Of a shattered child

See all the creases

See all the filth

Will it ever die away

Will it ever come clean

Will it ever be ok?

Or have a new sheen?

Somewhere tonight

A child cries

Pain overwhelming

“I’ll be good…I’ll try”

Somewhere tonight

A child hurts

Alone and afraid

Carrying a heavy burden

A burden of fear

A burden of Pain

A burden of tears

A burden of shame

“It’s all your fault”

“you could have stopped it”

But how can you a blame

The child who is childless

Yesterday, I think of You, Without You

Yesterday

When times were good

The sun shown bright

We just knew it always would

Yesterday

Laughter filled our world

No tears were shed

No insult hurled

Yesterday

When life was simple

We the joy

In everything

Yesterday

Is gone

Vanished with the timed

It’s so very very wrong….

Yesterday….

I think of you

When the morning begins

And I am so happy

That we are more than just friends

 I love you so deeply

From the bottom of my soul

And if I only had the chance

I would make a fresh new start

I know that life's days

Are limited and few

But each precious moment

I would love to spend with you

I know I am far way

There is so much I want to say

Like for one, I love you more

With each and every passing day.

Without you

When you left this place

To a place I’m not allowed

Honey, it left me

Desolate and comfortless without you

When you disappeared

To a grander abode

Honey, It left me

Devastated and overwhelmed without you

Hen you vanished

To eternal Blessedness

Honey it left me

Lonely and helpless without you

When it will the ache fade away

From deep within my heart

Hone I will always love you

My life will never be the same without you.

Answers, Letter to Dad

Answers

My soul cries out for answers

To questions which seem so simple

Just be patient I am told

Your being made an example

An example of what? I cry

I’ve done nothing wrong

Just maintain and hang in there

This is just to make you strong

But I don't need more strength

And I have no more patience

For this silliness that they pull

I must want out of this rat race

Haven’t I lost enough

My family my friends, my lover?

Aren’t I tough enough?

Will they still much me farther?

I am so tired now

I just want sweet peace

I just need a little space

I need a safe release.

Letter to Dad

What I have to say to you

S’not been said before

I just wanted you to know

Each day I loved you more

Though we’ve had our differences

I want you to know you are my heart

I just wish that we were closer

Can’t we make a new start

So many is the time

I need you there

To be a daddy

To wipe away my tears

But it always seems

That you didn’t care

That you were too busy

And had no time to share

My dreams have been stolen

The hell I'm afraid of

Is the only I’m living in…

So afraid to love

I thought that that I was ugly

Because of a heart full of shame

A lifetime of heartache

A lifetime of pain

Empty hands

Reaching out

All the silent tears

All the voiceless shouts

Why couldn’t I see

What was right before my eyes

 The love and the pride

And the joy that shined

How much you loved me

And I didn't

 even know

Until it was too late

And to heave you had to go…..

You said

You said that you wanted me

I waited for your call

When it didn’t come, I wondered

Did you really care at all?

You said that you loved me

I believed it to be true

But how I hurt down deep inside

When I didn’t hear from you

You said that you would call

I waited by the phone

Hoping to hear your voice again

Waiting hoping, all alone

Now your waiting by the phone

Waiting for me to call

But, boy, do I have news for you

You’re waiting for nothing at all….

Missing You

Somehow I hoped I’d find you here tonight

Watching the stars flicker above

Knowing that we are destined to be

Forever separated in our love

My hear and soul still fee

The tenderness of your touch

You gave me such love and happiness

I couldn’t believe my luck

But then my luck turned sour

The day you went away

I knew I’d never see your face again

Or hear the words of love you’d gently say

I’d give anything to turn back time

And be with you here tonight

But I guess I’m destined to live alone

Out of mind, out of sigh

I miss you babe

You don’t know how much

The tender way you smiled at me

The gentleness of your touch

So wherever you are tonight

I trust your safe and sound

I hurt so much now that you are gone.

I know that the heavens needed you around.

Winter's Chill

Winter’s chill

I can feel the winter’s chill

As it blows down on this place

I can feel the loneliness still

On each and every face

Faces in the dark

Blending in together

Broken of the heart

Hear to stay forever

A day is but a year

A year is but a day

Only to shed another teach

As in the darkness we lay

No hope or help to be found

Desolation will prevail

Hell is all around

In pain, we always fail

The leaves are all gone

A chill is in the air

The nights are so long

Are we really even here?

The pain is everlasting

It never goes away

Like the winter we are wasting

Hour by hour, day by day.

Broken and Weary

Broken and weary from walking into the wind

Tired and worn from youth ill spent

Please to me some courage lend

I can’t go one…courage by the wayside went

My heart has been broken

My spirit has been crushed

No kind word is spoken

No feelings, unloved, unwanted

Sadness resides in my heart

Pain lives in my soul

Never again a new start

Never again  a new goal

To much of a fear

To fail cannot be

So many lost years

Will I ever again an innocent be?

So much pain

So much misery

So many insane

So much futility

So much is the life

I’m condemned to live

So tired of the strife

Had so much to once give

But people turned away

Because of the pain that they had

No one ever cared to stay

I guess I am so bad

That no one gives a damn

So why should I care

And in hell I am

I will always be there.